My Modesty Manifesto

So there have been a few blog posts and responses to this article in the Friend magazine about a little girl choosing not the buy a shirt because it was sleeveless and "immodest." I actually didn't have super-strong feelings about this seemingly benign story until I saw all the conflict and debate about it online, including some heated responses to a Facebook post my brother made. But I was talking with him and remembered a talk I gave to the YW in our ward a few years ago about my view of what modesty is, and want to share it because I think it represents my beliefs about modesty and young girls. Its just an outline, but here you go:

Girl Power

XXX has asked me to talk to you about some of the thoughts I’ve had about women in general and young women in the church specifically. One thing I’ve noticed lately has to do with the idea of POWER.

Power is not a commodity we associate with Mormon girls and women.

o   Friends I’ve had over the years saw Mormon women as passive, weak, submissive to men, mindless, without much confidence.

o   Indeed, the world does not see women in general as very powerful, especially compared with men.

·         And teenage women, in my experience, really struggle to find where their power lies.

o   I’m a psychologist, and work at BYU as a therapist, so just about every day I have the opportunity to visit with women on a very intimate level. They pour their hearts out to me about their insecurities, their secrets, their fears, their mistakes, their hopes, and their passions. And a common theme that I’ve noticed in just about all of the hundreds of young women that I’ve visited with, is that they are all struggling to find and understand the power they hold as women.

o   This unfolds in many different ways

o   So many of these women particularly struggle with the physical aspect of being a woman. What does it mean to be a woman, in a woman’s body, in this culture in which we live?

o   Often, for better or for worse, in Young Women’s talking about our bodies and our body image leads to a discussion of modesty. Let’s talk about that for a minute.

·         One reason to dress modestly that I often heard as a young woman growing up in the church, as that I need to dress modestly to help the men around me control their thoughts and actions. We are often taught that if we dress immodestly, the boys and men around us may get the wrong idea and treat us in ways that are not okay

·         While I think that there are many really wonderful reasons to be modest in dress as well as in behavior, it is my opinion that dressing to control the actions of others is not one of those reasons.

o   Yes, we want to cover parts of our bodies that are sacred and should not be exposed

o   Yes, men are more visually aroused than women and may become aroused by something you are wearing

·         BUT. . .If there is anything I want you to get out of my talk today it is this: THAT YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THOUGHTS, CHOICES, OR ACTIONS OF THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU. The heartbreak and shame I have witnessed from young women who were not taught this principle have comprised some of the most painful therapy sessions I have ever been a part of.

·         I have counseled with women who truly believe that they deserved the rape, harassment, or assault they received simply because they were not dressed modestly enough. And that believe is not okay with me.

·          All the sociological, scientific, and psychological research shows that men who assault women and girls do not discriminate between modestly dressed girls and women and immodestly dressed girls and women. It doesn’t matter if you are wearing a pioneer dress, a swimsuit, or nothing at all. If someone else chooses to take advantage of you, it is THEIR FAULT. PERIOD. Your body, no matter how it is dressed or undressed is not bad. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. This is hard to remember in a world where the average fashion model weights 25% less and is 5 inches taller than the average American women. Your body is made in the image of the body of your Heavenly Mother and you should be proud of whatever shape, size, and composition your body is made of, no matter how it is dressed.

·         And NO ONE, no matter how you are dressed or undressed, has the right to inappropriately touch or use your body without your consent.

So, having said that, what are some “other” good reasons for dressing modestly?

·         I have a question for you. Imagine you were alone on a desert island. Would it matter what you wear?

·         You might be thinking “no”:

o   Maybe you are thinking that modestly of dress is circumstantial, and that different ways of dressing are appropriate depending on where you are and who you are surrounded by. And you would be right.

·         You might also be thinking “yes”:

o   Maybe you are thinking that the clothes you wear can effect the way that you think about yourself and the way you treat yourself. And you would be right. It is true that God cares very much about what you think about yourself.

So then what is the “RIGHT” answer:

What do the scriptures say about clothes?

·         scriptures say quite a bit about clothes, for example:

o   Jacob 2:13 “And the hand of providence hath smiled upon you most pleasingly, that you have obtained many riches; and because some of you have obtained more abundantly than that of your brethren ye are lifted up in the pride of your hearts, and wear stiff necks and high heads because of the costliness of your apparel, and persecute your brethren because ye suppose that ye are better than they.”

·         But what the scriptures say has more to do with the cost of clothing than the covering they provide

·         What I think this means it : While it can be damaging to use your clothes to brag about your sex appeal, it is just as damaging to use your clothes to brag about your wealth and status.

·         MODESTLY IS ALSO ABOUT AVOIDING USING YOUR CLOTHES TO BRAG ABOUT YOUR WEALTH AND STATUS.

Let’s go back to the scriptures. In Genesis:

·         When God prepares clothes for Adam and Eve, they are “no longer like the animals, they have become one of us, to know good from evil” and they are aware of their nakedness. So God made them clothes of animal skins—leather. Leather was appropriate. God taught them how to protect themselves with clothing that works, lasts, might even allow them to forget about the dangers of the fallen world for a little while, and think about Heaven.

·         If I am wearing uncomfortable, ill-fitting, and unflattering clothes, my thoughts are going to be turned inward, with self-consciousness, with physical and mental discomfort. If I am wearing clothes that speak for me and cry out for attention, my thoughts will still be turned inward but with pride and vanity. But if I wear clothing that is comfortable, practical (MODEST), I can forget my clothes, how I look, and instead turn my thoughts outward, towards God, towards my family, and towards people who need help.

·         So MODESTLY IS ALSO ABOUT BEING COMFORTABLE AND PRACTICAL SO WE CAN FORGET HOW WE LOOK AND TURN TO GOD.

So this is why I believe that God does care about what we wear, even if we are alone on a desert island.

God has said: “This is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” Anything that stands in the way of that is His business.

·         MODESTY IS ABOUT BEING GENUINE AND NOT LETTING YOUR CLOTHES SPEAK FOR YOU.

·         MODESTY IS ABOUT USING OUR SELVES, OUR DIVINE NATURE, AND OUR UNIQUE QUALITIES TO SPEAK FOR US.

·         MODESTLY IS ABOUT BEING COMFORTABLE AND PRACTICAL SO WE CAN TURN TO GOD.

AND THAT MODESTY IS WHAT GIVES US POWER.

We live in a world in which too many women trade sex for power because they don’t see too many other convincing options.  But we have the opportunity to bear another standard and declare that MODESTY is power.

Elder Holland has spoken a lot about what to BE as women. He has taken the approach of encouraging women to find their unique power. I think sometimes to define modesty by how much skin we are showing or where our hemline is actually distracts from a really good opportunity to figure out where we are spiritually.

Elder Holland has said:

“First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. ¹ That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him. Because of this divine heritage you, along with all of your spiritual sisters and brothers, have full equality in His sight and are empowered through obedience to become a rightful heir in His eternal kingdom, an “[heir] of God, and joint-[heir] with Christ.” ²⁼⁼ Elder Holland 2005

And then Elder Holland tells you how you can have POWER:

“You can’t live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people’s opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. … The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self—[the real you.]” ⁸ And in the kingdom of God, the real you is “more precious than rubies.” ⁹

Want to reiterate Elder Holland’s thoughts—the key to your power is your inner self. The real you. And the real you is more precious than rubies.  I testify to you that as you spend your time and energies seeking and understanding the real you, you will find your power.

Close in the words of Elder Holland—

“May you know the unending love the leaders of the Church have for you and may you let the eternal realities of the gospel of Jesus Christ lift you above temporal concerns and teenage anxieties I pray, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”—Elder Holland 2005